Ruu (ruuruu) wrote,
Ruu
ruuruu

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Ashamed

This is going to be one of those... horrible posts. Today was just so meh, and so was yesterday. Meh, I go through these up and down stages but today was just totally meh. MEH MEH MEHNESS! Mostly, it's about Shaun, he's getting me down. Bastard. Anyways, I'll start with me. Lately, I've been struggling with my identidy, and something even more horrifying, my sexuality. No, this doesn't mean I'm becoming straight or bisexual, but more so, I guess I'm still dealing with my own sexuality and coming to terms with who I am.

See, lately, I've been wishing that I was someone else. I find it difficult to come to terms with who I am. I am envious of straight people because they don't constantly question themselves if the person they are interested in is of the same persuasion. I am envious to the point that I wish I was straight, or more drastically, that I had been born female. Sometimes I think that if I was born a girl then I wouldn't have to deal with all this. The constant questions of whether someone I'm romantically interested is in interested in me back or maybe they're possibly gay just drives me insane. I guess it's my own fault because the guys I like tend to be straight-looking and it's not that I want to run around and get all these people to become gay and I hate to use the word, "convert" them. I hate the rejection because of the fact that I am a different sexuality. Straight people hardly ever to worry about sexuality. Hatred for the straights, XD. I mean, on the plus side, at least I'm not getting rejected due to some physichal flaw, just a personal one. And it does, it strips away all your confidence entirely. Right now I have these horrible creeping doubts about Shaun again and on Saturday I was so adament. And I know, deep down, all I will need to do is do the flirty looks with Shaun and I'll be damned sure again.

I promised myself that I wasn't going to let myself get trapped again in this situation and my mind is trying to backtrack so quickly and some friends are telling me to stick it out and my heart is wanting me to stick it out. I don't know if I have the strength to stick it out though. I must admit, the main reason that I kept myself interested in Shaun is because a friend told me, "Love is about taking chances, if you don't take the chance you'll never know." and it is so true. Emotions suck. God I get so emo on LJ, XD. Oh well, my LJ, don't like it, fuck off.

Back to me wanting to change who I am. It's not just that I want too because deep down I love who I am and if I concentrate, Shaun would be fucking lucky to have me, not the other way round. I am not a bad person, I am loving, kind, generous and sure, I might be a fiery little bitch at times, but I am still a good person deep down and still a very loving and giving individual. I am not very ugly and I'm not stunning but I feel I have above average looks. I have some physichal flaws, but who doesn't? I guess... I just need to turn my point of view round and look at things from a different perspective.

On a side note, when I spoke to Shaun on MSN on Saturday, he told me that he and his girlfriend haven't been together for a while, that they split up. He told me however, that he still sleeps with her on a regular basis. When I told my mates on IRC we all had a big bitching session about him. It IS wrong what he does and it isn't fair. He shouldn't keep us both hanging on either. There was some confusion whether he liked this work colleague of mine and this is where the horrible doubts came rushing back. In addition, I tried to speak to him about the looks that we gave each other and I believe he feigned confusion. When I looked closer I think it's because he's scared to admit that he's doing them unless we're both definetly on the same subject. MEH!

I feel much better for getting it all off my chest actually, it stops it from being welled up inside. Work sucked tonight and I'm going to do my Pilate 20 Minute Workout with Ms. Winsor, Dagne, Brenda Lee and Roger who sits on the mat at the back of the video. It was good but absolutely knackering. Love to all you guys.
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