Ruu (ruuruu) wrote,

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Clearing out my Lovelife

Yes! Finally, this is a post I've been needing to do for a while now to sort my head out. However, since this post is mostly for me and to help remind me where and what position I'm in and why I feel the way I do, I shall be placing this post under the oh-so-fabulous LJ cut.

So, let's start with the basics. Why is relationships so high on my priorities list? Why do I dwell on it so much? Well, it's been a long time now. In the past year, I've really blossomed to the idea of a relationship. One of my biggest insecurities is the fact that I don't feel as if anyone could love me. A relationship I feel would help me with that. Loneliness is a huge factor of my life here. Spain is sunny and bright and culturally different, but for all that, you give up a lot more. You give up honest people, you give up being yourself, and to my extent, you can give up your own identidy. You yearn for people you can be yourself with. In Spain, there are many people who are on the run from the British law. They are two-faced and fake and in the long run, you're left with no true friends at all. You're constantly second-guessing everyone and watching out for backstabbing. In the end, the only truth you have is your family and any partner that you have. I dwell on this due to the increasing loneliness I feel, especially because my work is situated in a highly dramatic environment. I dwell on this because I'm blossoming into someone who not only wants, but is leaning on relationships. And finally, I dwell on this due to all the rejection I have suffered in the past, it is almost a personal goal of mine, an achievement. I want someone I can talk to no matter what, who will hug me and cuddle me and treat me with the loving that I feel I deserve and require. I am, in short, a highly emotional and very affectionate person and loving from another human being is naturally etched into my heart, mind, soul and skin. These are the reasons why I dwell on my lovelife so much, why it is so high on my priority list.

Now, I shall list the 3 men that currently are in my life.

Description: Shaun is tall (6'3") and with short dark hair and startling blue eyes. He has a very big smile and a good personality. He is quite quiet at first but opens up instantly when you start to get to know him. He is great fun, we always tease each other and he has quite a tempermental side too, lots of depths in him. He is slim and you could say almost lanky. He isn't strikingly attractive, he's just enough.
History: Well Shaun is the King of Flirtatious looks. Regardless of anything, I will print here that there are too many looks and they are too intense for them not to mean something. Working out what that something is is the hard part. I see Shaun all the time one week and then nothing for two weeks. Regardless, as soon as there is eye-contact we begin our wordless assault on each other.
Problems: Shaun has a girlfriend, her name is Laura. She's pretty much sussed everything happening because she blows hot and cold with me. Smiles at me one minute and ignores me, as if I'm dead, the next.Although, according to my insider informat, Shaun's Mom's friend who is my friend, who also agrees that Shaun is interested, anyways, she told me that Laura's parents are sick of supporting Laura and will send her back to UK if she doesn't get a job. Whether they will do it is another story. Also, Shaun's Mom dislikes Laura as well as she plays him. Another problem is Shaun's mom, I don't think she'd be very supportive of me either at first, if me and Shaun were ever to get into a relationship. Shaun and Traci (his mom) are pretty close and I know his Dad likes me, Traci seems to like me too, but anyways, I'll cross that bridge if I come to it.
Status: Shaun is the one I feel strongest about, alas, this past week I have put him on the back burner.
Chances: Shaun is about 50% - 60%. His prolonged looks, the way he looks at me, it's too intense for there to be nothing in them.

Description: Neil is around my height, maybe a little taller, about 5'9". He is very deep green eyes and shortish spikey brown hair. He dresses well and is built well. Neil is infact built very well and looks a lot older than he is. He has a nice smile and a very strong accent. He is british but from up north. He has a very cheeky personality and is quite fun to be around, very cocky.
History: Neil is the new kid on the block. Me and Neil have absolutely new history at all but it is something I would want to build on. I've seen Neil around a few times and I know his father (also called Neil) some. I only got talking to Neil on Friday night, properly talking. Infact, we spent most of Friday night together. It started out that I went down to the local club and he was down there. We were on the same table, I was sitting next to him but we didn't really communicate. The first communication was when he tried to cuddle into me for a photo that wasn't taken. That's when I really noticed him. Ironically, we only got talking when he got involved in a scuffle with his friend. I ended up dragging him upstairs into the ladies bathroom for a quick word. I asked him what was going on because I had my mates parents downstairs and if he kept fighting with his mate things where gonna go crazy. He explained to me everything. He asked me then if I was gay because he said it had been bugging him all night. Afterwards, his mate came upstairs and started causing bother again, we all ended up in the Men's toilets, there was me, Neil, his friend, his Dad's girlfriend and his Uncle or something. His mate turned to me and told me to get out because this was personal business but Neil demanded I stay. In the end we all had to leave anyways as the club was closing. From there things got interesting. I ended up on the other side of the road talking to Neil and we were talking about sex and he told me and my mate he was bisexual. We were all going clubbing together so purely by chance, I ended up sharing a taxi with Neil and his mate. In the taxi, sex came back up and Neil was very curious about the whole thing, in the end he told me "I'm more like you than you think." When we got out the taxi, everyone else went down to the club apart from me, Neil and his mate. Neil kept trying to get rid of his mate so it would just be me and Neil but it didn't work. Down in the club, Neil started to dance with me and we flirted a lot, he'd put his arm round me and would kiss my cheek and stuff. He kept dancing with me and shoving people out of the way pretending to be possessive. He was introducing me to people as his boyfriend of one year, then he'd kiss my cheek. At one point, I bought him and myself a drink and he cupped my face in his hands and kissed either side of my mouth. At the end of the night, he shook my hand and left and that was it.
Problems: A lot of problems here, most just require time and patience. First of all, Neil is younger than me by 3 years. This, in general isn't a problem as a 3 year gap is nothing. However, it makes him only 16. Something I fear people may judge us on. Also, halfway through Friday night, my friend sort of squeased her way in and even though I felt Neil was interested in me, I told her she could have him. My reasoning? She was upset about some guy and needed a rebound. Needless to say, when I turned round to see them kissing at the very end of the night I was slightly miffied, but I gave the green light. Third problem is Neil left Spain today for a while, he's going to finish schooling and will return in the next few months.
Status: Completely static. I will probably try get his number from his Dad. Neil is quite curious and seemingly open to gay people. He lives locally and when he returns I will go see him depending on my situation with Shaun. If he is bi or gay, something will come of this.
Chances: Currently it is 0% due to him not being here, however, if he was, I'd say it around 75%.

Description: Dan is a little shorter than me, with short spikey deep red hair with stubble. He has an amazing, and I mean, amazing smile. He has a fun personality but can get pissy sometimes and goes quite silent and grouchy. In general, he's a good guy with a nice heart.
History: I've known Dan for the longest out of all three. This is a different Daniel, his nickname being GP. I knew him from school and sharing the same circle of friends.
Problems: He's straight, he's hawt but not gay. However, this doesn't bother me at all.
Status: Dead in the water. He's only here because I flirt with him constantly and he flirts back. He knows I like him and he's very considerate. He won't tell a soul unless I tell him too. In general, he's just a good friend.
Chances: Will always be 0% I believe. I like it like that though.

Alas, we have a few old interests floating around that I have blurred out. Ben, who I was out with last night. We were dancing and we were hugging and telling each other we love each other. And thankfully, that is all it is. He's a really good friend. He is fucking sexy with an awesome personality, but I couldn't be in a relationship with him, I wouldn't want too. The other Daniel, we will always just be very close to one another and I like that. I'm so fickle in a sense but in the past year I push people away that I feel are getting too close, this time it is different, this time the feelings are seemingly mutual. This time I'm finding it harder to ignore, this time it's all I think about

Tomorrow I'll post some pictures I found on the net of my mates, as for me, it's bed time at 7:20am. Love you guys, hope you had a good weekend.
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