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Ashamed [28 Feb 2006|02:29am]
[ mood | contemplative ]

This is going to be one of those... horrible posts. Today was just so meh, and so was yesterday. Meh, I go through these up and down stages but today was just totally meh. MEH MEH MEHNESS! Mostly, it's about Shaun, he's getting me down. Bastard. Anyways, I'll start with me. Lately, I've been struggling with my identidy, and something even more horrifying, my sexuality. No, this doesn't mean I'm becoming straight or bisexual, but more so, I guess I'm still dealing with my own sexuality and coming to terms with who I am.

See, lately, I've been wishing that I was someone else. I find it difficult to come to terms with who I am. I am envious of straight people because they don't constantly question themselves if the person they are interested in is of the same persuasion. I am envious to the point that I wish I was straight, or more drastically, that I had been born female. Sometimes I think that if I was born a girl then I wouldn't have to deal with all this. The constant questions of whether someone I'm romantically interested is in interested in me back or maybe they're possibly gay just drives me insane. I guess it's my own fault because the guys I like tend to be straight-looking and it's not that I want to run around and get all these people to become gay and I hate to use the word, "convert" them. I hate the rejection because of the fact that I am a different sexuality. Straight people hardly ever to worry about sexuality. Hatred for the straights, XD. I mean, on the plus side, at least I'm not getting rejected due to some physichal flaw, just a personal one. And it does, it strips away all your confidence entirely. Right now I have these horrible creeping doubts about Shaun again and on Saturday I was so adament. And I know, deep down, all I will need to do is do the flirty looks with Shaun and I'll be damned sure again.

I promised myself that I wasn't going to let myself get trapped again in this situation and my mind is trying to backtrack so quickly and some friends are telling me to stick it out and my heart is wanting me to stick it out. I don't know if I have the strength to stick it out though. I must admit, the main reason that I kept myself interested in Shaun is because a friend told me, "Love is about taking chances, if you don't take the chance you'll never know." and it is so true. Emotions suck. God I get so emo on LJ, XD. Oh well, my LJ, don't like it, fuck off.

Back to me wanting to change who I am. It's not just that I want too because deep down I love who I am and if I concentrate, Shaun would be fucking lucky to have me, not the other way round. I am not a bad person, I am loving, kind, generous and sure, I might be a fiery little bitch at times, but I am still a good person deep down and still a very loving and giving individual. I am not very ugly and I'm not stunning but I feel I have above average looks. I have some physichal flaws, but who doesn't? I guess... I just need to turn my point of view round and look at things from a different perspective.

On a side note, when I spoke to Shaun on MSN on Saturday, he told me that he and his girlfriend haven't been together for a while, that they split up. He told me however, that he still sleeps with her on a regular basis. When I told my mates on IRC we all had a big bitching session about him. It IS wrong what he does and it isn't fair. He shouldn't keep us both hanging on either. There was some confusion whether he liked this work colleague of mine and this is where the horrible doubts came rushing back. In addition, I tried to speak to him about the looks that we gave each other and I believe he feigned confusion. When I looked closer I think it's because he's scared to admit that he's doing them unless we're both definetly on the same subject. MEH!

I feel much better for getting it all off my chest actually, it stops it from being welled up inside. Work sucked tonight and I'm going to do my Pilate 20 Minute Workout with Ms. Winsor, Dagne, Brenda Lee and Roger who sits on the mat at the back of the video. It was good but absolutely knackering. Love to all you guys.

[2 have wilted] ~  [give in?]

Cleptomania [26 Feb 2006|04:59am]
What a weird day. Well... We'll do it by categories again, I like categories this week. <3.

Friday: I was so trashed last night. I done several things.. several things. I was working with sexpot Ben and Friday night is Darts night. Our Bar (Sisters Bar) has a Darts team and I play for it. I'm not bad, but I don't really want to play anymore cause they all act like fucking idiots. Anyways, LAST Night it was Sisters Bar versus Mili's Bar. Mili's Bar is only about 200 yards away so and we were playing there. I was allowed to play so I did. Shaun (heartbeat) plays for Mili's so I was dying to play. Alas, when I went down for my game I was playing Shaun in the doubles. I was playing fucking terrible. Then my Singles I had Shaun's best mate Sam, and I redeemed myself by winning. We'll talk about Shaun some more in a second. When we closed the bar at 3:45am we went down to our local club, Power for a quick drink. The club closed at 4am so me, Ben and a few others, well like 12 of us ended up going to Fuengirola to a club called Heavens Gate. I was SO drunk. When we left, I gave my mate Grant a piggy back and fell on my face infront of everyone. Also, I passed out on him in the car while he was driving. Also, I told a guy named Dan that I thought he was sexy, XD. Needless to say, my hangover was horrendous. The night was good.

Shaun: [insert heartbeat here]. Shaun. This boy is just totally confusing. But tonight, I can admit that I truly believe that he honestly likes me back. On Friday I spoke to my boss, Jo. She has spent a lot of times with gays and has a knack for pointing out homo's and possible homo's, XD. She wasn't aware that Shaun was the guy I have a thing for. When I told her who he was she straight away said she felt that he was a bit gay. I laughed and haven't took it seriously. Just, added her to my list of people that believe he likes me. Now, last night I was a bit down. Me and Shaun spent a little time together at the end of darts and we did our little flirtatious banter that we do. I asked him why he never came to the bar to see me anymore and he said he hadn't been out. I went into work tonight at 7pm and lo and behold he was there.There was him, Sam and Laura. Sam is the best mate as I said earlier and Laura is Shaun's girlfriend (bitch!) and Sam's sister. Anyways, he came to the bar and did his flirty stuff and OMG, his eyes. I just love his eyes and he has such a nice smile. A lot of people would say he isn't that attractive, but he gets to me. He's 6'3" with short black hair, wicked eyes and beautiful white teeth. Sidenote: My house is fucking freezing. Anyways, he went and collected a bottle and brought it to the bar and teased me about him doing all the work. Now, Laura was there and it was difficult, me and Shaun stare at each other. We connect our gaze and hold it for a LOT longer than a normal stare. His looks are so intense and I always break the gaze first. He makes me really giggle. Anyways, Luara was there and we caught gazes at first and then he kept giving me minor looks. When Laura went to the bathroom it was full blown stares. I ended up having to hide behind the bar due to blushing slightly and giggling. Everytime he could he kept staring at me. I remember the night he spent all night in the bar and he was cuddling Laura from behind and since she couldn't see him he kept staring at me for ages. Now, Danimo, if he still reads LJ will not be surprised by this. I actually like his girlfriend. And I think she discovered tonight that I like Shaun and that he looks at me a lot. She went into a horribly funny mood and was being all weird. She then came upto the bar and watched me often so I couldn't look at Shaun anymore. Also, I gave Shaun a free half a beer and Sam the idiot brought it up and I couldn't explain my way out of it properly. The feelings I get are so electric, cliche but true. I was gutted when they left. I feel at the moment that we might never get it together, but I know he was at least interested. *sigh* SHAUN <3.

Anyways, that's all I can remember to type, XD. It's really pouring down with rain right now. Oh yeah, the subject. I stole a glass from the bar next door to mine on Wednesday and I was really drunk and I stole a glass, XD. Anyways, the barman tonight got REALLY fucking annoying about it and started bitching at me and patronzing me. Telling me from now on they'll need to watch me because I'll start to steal bigger things. FFS, my mate stole a candle from Power last night, shoved it in her bag and the candle was still alight. I was like, "It's a fucking glass". Talking to me like I'm a bloody cleptomaniac. I was so annoyed. But oh well. Anyways, much love.
[2 have wilted] ~  [give in?]

Ugh [22 Feb 2006|05:21pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]

Weird feelings today. At Christmas I traded my old computer for my Nan's super computer. She never used it, only for cards and writing letters. Anyways, the past few days it went mental, stopped working and etcetera. I took it upto the shop and put it in and yesterday we got a phone call that it's fucked basically. Power supply has blown due to my Nan's electricity continuing going off and the motherboard has fried. Davie (Mom's new man) is going on and on about priche-checking and complaining all the fucking time and I'm just sick of hearing all the complaints and stuff. Why can't he just accept it? Ugh. So, it's going to cost around 250€ to get fixed and there's a new one there for 500€. I'm going to give my Nan 200€ towards it and he's all like, "well it depends on the warranty?" and etc. And I'm just like, "shut up!". And then my Mom was going, "well they're just ripping us for money" and etc. I've worked with this computer shop for like 5 years and they've always been good.

Anyways, it got to the point that I was scared to ring the shop and ask them for information on the computer. I don't know why. I wanted to take the phone upstairs to my bedroom and ring from there. I don't know if it was because they would nitpick at everything that was said or whatever, I just didn't ring them. I haven't done it yet and I'm still scared. They're shouting about how they're going to take the broken PC out of the shop because they don't want the guy to have it. It's BROKEN FFS. It's going to cost him 250€ to fix it and he won't get 200€ for it. It isn't a profit >>. Idiots. Maybe they're right, but I trust the shop completely. My Mom is just slowly becoming like him with all the complaining. Iunno, he's going back to Scotland soon, it's next week I think.

Anyways, it other news. I've been invited to Siobhans party on the 3rd of March. There's going to 8 of us, we're getting a limousine to take us everywhere. It's going to be great. I'm saving up now and I'm really looking forward to it.

And you guys MUST watch Elfen Lied. It's so gruesome... but you get used to it. And the Opening Song is just awesome. Sunday and Mai Otome episode 20 comes out, I'm so excited. Anyways, yeah... I love anime this year. I'm gonna go try ring the computer shop now and then I've got to get ready for work, bleh. See ya'll later <3<3.

[1 have wilted] ~  [give in?]

Return of the... mac? [22 Feb 2006|04:25am]
[ mood | contemplative ]

Well yes, once again I have returned. Honestly, I'm about as sick and tired of this as you are, but don't you just love my simplistic new icon? XD. If you haven't noticed, it has been nearly a YEAR since my last entry. A lot of things in my life have changed since then. Some of them good, some of them bad. So, I shall try ti fill you guys in on the last year as straight forwardly as I can. I rock, Hikaru sucks, XD. J/K.

Okies, the first aspect of my life we'll look at it, and obviously, the shortest is...

Worklife: Hmm, a lot of things can change in a year... For a start, the job I was working at before, I went into work around 5 weeks after my last entry and was told that it was my last shift. Bitches. Anyways, I stopped working for a long time. Until middle of August, when I got offered a job in a local bar, helping out. It progressed to four nights a week behind the bar. I currently work Wednesday through till Saturday and have Sunday, Monday and Tuesday off. The job itself is good but it can be so bad at times. There is a fucking lot of drama as it is family run and if anyone of the family fall out with anyone it's just... bad. It actually quite often gets me down. Sad. But, nonetheless, I love the money.

Lovelife: This is the subject I dwell on the most at the moment, I am quite lonely. BUT! I try not to let it get me down. If you've known me for a long time, you will remember a few of the men I'm about to mention, especially Rei, she should remember them all. I picked at her head for months about them. First off is Ben. He is a very VERY old crush of mine. Not old as like agewise, but from a long time ago. Well he has popped back into my life. I work with him now actually, XD. We work Friday nights together. He knows I like him and we flirt outrageously but nothing would come of it. Now, I've became immune to him. He's still fucking gorgeous with a great character... but, somehow I just think he's... hollow. There's no depth to him. Now, Daniel... hahaha, he's back as well. I got drunk one night and text him my old old feelings but we're still just as close... although I bitch at him almost every time I see him. We've been apart for the longest time. Just for the record Rei, Andy, I spoke to him a few times via text message but nothing major. There's James/Taff the shrot welsh man. The only reason I actually liked him was because we were the exact opposite of each other. We would fight and taunt each other. He's a nice guy but a pain in the ass. I'm not serious about any of them, apart from Daniel, as I'd die for him. I do love him. He's the exact opposite to Ben, not amazingly attractive but very deep and quite a good character. However, Daniel is like my best friend/brother/lover all rolled into one and it's probably that's why I'd do anything for him. There is someone I have my eye on. He fits a lot of my criteria. He isn't older than me, he's younger than me by like 4 months which makes him 18. He's tall (6'3") with short dark black hair and the most stunning blue eyes I've ever seen. The confusing situation. You all know I always like guys that are straight >>. Shaun is... confusing. He came in the bar often and I kept watching him, he really intrigued me. He realised that I was watching him and he kept staring at me back. We would stare at each other for a few seconds, longer than a normal look. We'd both smile and I'd tend to blush. Then he brings his fucking girlfriend in. Worst of all, I like her, she's quite nice, and really pretty. We flirt a lot and his Mom's friend who is MY friend says she caught him staring at me all the time. His looks are so intense it's just wow. He is only young, I don't know... The friend says not to worry about it and just be myself. So <3 for Shaun.

Homelife: Now this was the aspect that got me down the most. Finally, my Mom split up with Michael around two months after my last post. She is now engaged to a man she has known for 20 years. Well... it is her half-sister's ex-husband of 20 years ago. Sound freaky? It's not. Although he is my ex-half-uncle and his daughter is my cousin. Hahaha, sound freakier? It isn't. I wouldn't say she's happier, she still drinks often although she attacked me last week and it's kicked her into shape. In general, my home life is more stable than before. My Nan has moved to Spain and me and my Dad are on good terms, he's taking me to Kuala Lumpa in a few months since he lives there. We had a dog but we gave it away and I'm re-decorating my room. My Mom's new man, Davie... he's a really nice guy but he is very nitpicky. He can be really annoying but quite funny. He likes to complain and likes to price check, the latter pissing me off most as I am spontaneous and love shopping. He hogs the TV and likes to stay in and has to always be right, such a very proud man. However, I do like him. If you note the entry on March the 3rd and read the last two lines. That has changed, the girl is a fucking whore and I hope her birthday this year is awful, XD. On my mothers side of the family, I only like two of them, excluding my mother. My Nan and my youngest cousin. Not even Davie's daughter, she ruined Christmas. We'll not go into that, XD. Talking about family, my Mom finally made it in contact with her father. She hadn't sen him for 16 years, she'd seen him twice all her life. She always thought he didn't love her but the reunion was amazing.

Me: Finally... Me. Well, I am much happier than before. I've stopped getting so angsty but if possible, more bitchy. My temper has became even more shrot fused. I spend my life either working, partying, sleeping, playing Ragnarok Online or chatting. Or listening to my iPod Nano, it's black and sexy. I have put on a tiny bit of weight and I want to lose it but love eating. My diet yoyos like... a yoyo. I've been exercising today and need to do it on a regular basis, Nicky is sending me a workout video. As for you guys? I hope you're all happy in your lives. I'll be floating around in the next few days checking who's gone where and changing any friends, etc.

Thanks for listening ~~

[10 have wilted] ~  [give in?]

Life Recently [07 Mar 2005|05:52am]
[ mood | tired ]

Well I haven't updated for a few days so I'm gonna go back a while.

Thursday
Was quite the sucky day for me, I missed my first class and ended up going to college on late catching my last lesson with the fucking asshole teacher. I hate him! He's german and I was reading from one of the sheets of paper, and I read out "printer" and he came over and he was like, "are you making fun of my accent?". I was gobsmacked and I was just like, "No." and turned my back to him. I'm such a rude bitch. Afterwards I went and got the Pink hairdye, but it just turned my hair red, anyways, I was at my work and it was really busy, and Michael had been referring to me as "son" for ages, he still is. Anwyays, we were talking about Mothers day and Michael was like, "What am I getting for Fathers Day? I never got anything last year." At that moment in time, I'm surprised I kept my mouth shut I had the strongest urge to just scream, "FUCK ALL!" or "What makes you think you're getting anything at all?". That night we had guests round, they're friends and they pointed out to me that my Mom and Michael attract to each other and I just felt... there was no hope left for me anymore. I ended up sitting in the toilet and just handing my head, unable to cope. However, I put on a brave face and survived.

Friday
Now Friday kicked ass. It was party time and I went out and got trashed. I was dancing on the podium and laughing my ass off, I was so drunk by the end of it. Siobahn, who's party it was got in a fight with these spanish girls and was proper battering them. I did some embarassing stuff though, i.e. knocking ym friends drink out of her hand infront of everyone and elbowing this girl in the eye, haha. I'm so embarrassed. It was a great night, I connected with people I've never connected with before. Abby, another friend, sung Alicia Keys - Fallin' and she was amazing, she wants to be a singer and I'm sure she's going to make it. I'll need to post pictures of my friends later on to show you them all. Anyways, I got home at 6:30am, XD.

Saturday
Blur of hangovers, sleep, hangovers, XD.

Today/Sunday
Today, I felt ill when I got up but I'm doing okay now. I made a layout for The Damned but haven't uploaded it yet. I spent a lot of time talking to Nikky and today we went on Ventrilo (a chat service thigy where everyone uses microphones to talk) with a group of friends from a chat. However, it progressed into these 4 guys having a moaning contest to see who could make the horniest noise. Me, Nikky and Zano were almost dying from laughing, it was freaky though.

Yeah, that's about it, I've missed probably all the interesting and more important bits, XD. I suck at LJing! Anyways, that's ya'll upto date!

[4 have wilted] ~  [give in?]

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